i'm not surprised- college reflection

A few weeks ago, I wrote this out in my journal: "I don't find it to be a coincidence that the very thing the Lord was teaching me the first month of school is the same thing he reminded me of in the last two weeks. Precisely, the thing He is teaching me is to allow my heart to love fully and deeply even if it means it hurts sometimes."

If this were on paper, there would be tear-stained pages because, tonight, as I read through the red journal that holds the documentation of this year of college, I am overwhelmed by the graciousness of God. I am reminded of prayers I forgot I had even prayed, yet have been answered. I am reminded of all the ways the Lord has marked me with His love.

I'm writing this so that I can reflect on this last year, remember it for years to come, and also be a testament to the Lord in my life for you. So, thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me.

ALLOW MY HEART TO LOVE FULLY

I don't like change- especially changing relationships. But, I can't escape the fact that all relationships change over time (for better or for worse). When it came time to move to college, I felt walls start to form around my heart. I told myself, " I'm not going to let others in all the way because then we will have to leave each other and it will be too painful". Shortly after arriving at Lee though, I was given an invitation to open my heart. The first person was my Chaplain- Ellie. Both of us may never know the extent of what the Lord is orchestrating in our relationship earth-side. What I do know is that when I walked in the doors of my dorm and approached the smiling face of Ellie- I was asked to love deeply. Through Ellie, the Lord answered my prayer for a friend, mentor, encourager, and leader. She is the one who introduced me to being a floor leader in my dorm and walked with me through that process (more on that later). She displayed what it means to be a servant leader of Christ and she embodied the constant, grace-giving hands and feet of Jesus. To see Jesus in her is to love HIM more and glorify HIM more in our friendship.

The next group of people that played a part in God stretching my heart is my roommate, the girls of 3rd odds hall, my fellow dorm floor leaders, and my co-floor leader.

Ray, my roommate, was patient with me, endured my annoying alarms, always had open arms when I was hurting, and made a safe place with me in 315 for both of us to heal. She ushered me forward spiritually by sharing different perspectives and walking with me as we both walked toward Jesus.

My 3rd odds girls were strangers in August but are now friends that feel like family. They were always smiling faces and curious voices asking how I was doing. There, I was invited to let myself love deeper despite knowing that this hall of girls was only temporary. Just yesterday we all said bye to each other for the summer. I am learning that our love is no less authentic or valuable if it is only for a season. Granted, I will see these girls in August BUT we will be different people for we will be coming in with 3 months of different experiences and time spent apart. I'm thankful now that love doesn't need to fit into a box but can be molded to the time and places we each move to. The six floor leaders of my dorm and our lovely chaplain, met in our cozy prayer room on Tuesday nights to read scripture, pray, spray bubbles, and share how we were doing in leading our floor small group. Going into college, I prayed for a community that would continually point me toward Christ. That is exactly what these girls did. Through the weeks, we all shared our stories and I saw the Lord tenderly asking me to love them deeper. When it was my week to share, the invitation was slightly different: Sami, will you let them love all the parts of you? Will you trust that nothing will disqualify you from being wanted? With sweaty hands and a nervous voice, I shared with them who I once was and how the Lord has pursued me and changed me. Sharing parts of my story that feel dark or heavy gave THEM the invitation to hold space for it. My capacity to be loved grew that afternoon in that coffee shop where I shared.

Finally, my co-flo, Tinsley, was the biggest surprise of a friend. She is patient, kind, and loves well. She meets others where they're at and walks with them. Getting to know her heart and all her habits and preferences has been a 10/10 adventure. We can look at each other and know we're loved by the other without even saying a single word. I look forward to many more years of learning our silent eye language!!

I am expectant and a bit nervous to see what Jesus is going to do in my heart this summer as I prepare to be Chaplain for my dorm next semester. There's no doubt that as I step into more leadership I will be asked to open my heart more. I would appreciate your prayers over my dorm, the future residents, and my staff (RC, RA, RD) that are all being prepared to walk with students/residents in their walks of life and to also pick up our crosses daily and follow Christ.

POWER IN THE NAME

There were many priceless nights of getting to join together with my family of believers and declare the name of Jesus. These nights ranged from my bedroom to the 3rd lobby to the stone chapel. I learned just how much power is held in His name. I learned that I am only a vessel. When I go to pray for a sister, it is ONLY in the power and authority of Jesus' name that I speak and things change. I learned that all I have to do is ask. At my request, according to God's will, He moves and brings healing and new life. I learned to ask God for a word of encouragement or truth that He wants another around me to know and then, step out in faith to share it with them. When I did do this, He was glorified and I was reminded that only God could speak exactly what the person needed to hear.

Likewise, I was on the receiving end of this too and the Lord spoke life over me. He reminded me -especially in the spring semester- that He wanted me and saw me. Jesus taught me this through random notes slipped under my door just when I needed it, a random person coming to pray over me, the company of a friend even if we weren't doing anything special, and the still small voice He speaks to me.

DIVERSITY

This is one of the biggest things I learned about God this year:

Yahweh is a diverse God. He does not fit into the boxes I've formed of Him in my head. He is far greater and different than I could ever imagine. He shows up in the high energy of Convocation and on the dirty carpet of my dorm room as I cry out for Him to move through me. Both are holy ground. Both are set apart for Him. Both are places where He is glorified.

This year, God tackled head-on the lie that, "if I don't have a 'weeping at the altar' moment with Him then I'm missing where He's at". This simply isn't true. Don't get me wrong- those altar moments are HOLY. God is 100% there. BUT, He is also in the deep breaths inhaled after a long day of classes. He is in the stillness of your heart in the middle of the chapel auditorium. He is in the moments where you're simply being with Him. After all, we're not meant to perform for Him. He has taught me that He doesn't always look like I thought He would and he is so much better than I can imagine. Wouldn't it be wise of me to approach the differences of fellow believers with curiosity and understanding rather than judgment or intolerance?

THANK YOU

So, to each person that played a part in the Father pursuing, growing, and molding me this year- Thank you! Thank you for loving and allowing me to love you. Thank you for embodying the hands and feet of Jesus and showing me what it looks like to truly live like Him. Thank you for holding space for my hard emotions and communicating that I am valuable and loved. Thank you for giving me grace in my time of need. Thank you for teaching me what it looks like to live surrendered to Jesus as my Savior and Lord

I am forever marked by this year of college.

I could write 1,000s of more words about what I've learned but i'll stop here for tonight.

Thanks be to God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!